47 - I Couldn't Kill Him

Kyrus, his heart hammering in his chest, panted. He pointed at the stone, finger shaking. “So you’re saying this is the lie instead of you? How should I know which is the lie?”

“I couldn’t kill him,” Ilax broke in. “And your people would have killed him for me loving him, and him loving me. I couldn’t bear the thought of him in an exposure cage just for loving me… I couldn’t.” Ilax’s eyes were full of tears. 

Kyrus the elder stepped from behind him, touching him on the shoulder as it… he… came forward. Kyrus stood shaking, watching the image of his father come closer.  The man moved slowly, as carefully as if the boy were a wild dog or moa chick that might slash him, or run. Part of him wanted to believe, enough of him to hold him in place. “You… you… are lovers?”

“For the past ten years.”

“So… should I hate you?”

“I’m sorry. My son.” Kyrus Talain raised his hand gently. Softly. “I’ve already touched you, son. I was on the winter mountain when you were beaten… that was me. I felt I needed to be down there… I felt I needed to be and I was too late to stop them. I heard them come back to the safety line. They didn’t see me in the snow and I came out to help you.”

Both of them trembled, the boy on the verge of bolting, the man for fear of him running. “Thh… thh… that was you?”

“It was. I swear by Light and Dark. I’m a living body. I’m in my original body. I’m not a spirit, I’m not a revenant. I’ve been living here…" He gestured, pulling his reaching hand in to indicate the lonely, fractured mountainside, before extending his fingers once more.  "... in secret. I’m not a lie. I’m a secret.” His fingertips hovered just over Kyrus’s bare cheek. For a long, long moment the three of them stood in the early dark on the mountain.

“I… I… rrreally want to believe you,” Kyrus stuttered. His head was reeling, he felt ready to fall over, his mind trying to run away into darkness when his body did not physically move. Tears stood in his eyes, brimming full but not falling. “I’m not going to hate you for loving a man… father… I’ve been a whore. For men.”

The older man drew a deep breath. “Ilax told me. I don’t care. You don’t hate me for my love, I don’t hate you for doing what you had to, to get here. I’m proud of you for having found a way to do what you needed to. You are my son.”

He pulled back his hand reluctantly. “I’m sorry, Kyrus. I’m sorry I let you live this lie… the lie the rest of the world knows, so long. I didn’t know you existed until Ilax came up and told me. I admit, I was afraid what you would think of me, that I let it go on, that I didn’t have him bring you that first day. I was afraid.”

“Naser? YOU? Afraid?"

Kyrus the Elder stiffened, almost flinched. “Yes. I admit my fear.”

Kyrus Junior, without taking his eyes off the older man, pointed at the grave at his feet. “Who’s in there then? Have I been tending an empty grave?”

“His name was Nivika Jangi and he was my best friend in the world before I fell in love with Ilax. He was my shield partner and my wing brother. He was injured in the battle where I was captured and thought I was going to die. The wound ended up killing him, it became a mortal wound despite all that the Milar Dees could do. He offered himself to be executed in my place, to save my life. Ilax swore to him he’d save me.”

Kyrus, the elder, pulled in a deep, deep sobbing breath. “I… pray for him every day. He saw… he knew… what was happening with de M’olfe, what did happen. I had given myself up to die and he talked me away from it, talked me into accepting his sacrifice, even as he was dying and knew it.” This time tears did spill. “He barely lived to lay his head on the block, in my armour.”

From behind Kyrus, Ilax murmured, “Ancestors keep him.” 

The boy stood, looking first to his father, then to Ilax, who had tears actually spilling down his cheeks. He took one slow step out from behind the stone, halted, quivering. “You… you’re p…p…roud of me?”

Kyrus senior nodded. “I am. I’m amazed that I have a son. I’m amazed that he’s growing into such a fine man and such a fine warrior.” His hands twitched again as if he’d reach toward Kyrus but didn’t. 

That finally broke the boy’s shaking stillness. One more step brought him out from behind the shelter of the grave marker and he flung himself into Kyrus’s arms, who caught him full armed and enfolded him. 

They stood in silence, clenched hard around one another, learning each other breath by breath, a connection each had yearned for, unknowing. Ilax waited, watching, smiling but still with tears on his cheeks.