Wednesday, June 13, 2012

44 - I Will Clear My Head Soon

 
My Dear Son,

I am better today.  Yasna and I went through another session and I am settled back into myself.  The rains always ease things and I am not so troubled by bees and other flying insects.

It is good to hear that you are making friends and that the surdeniliarch is protecting you. I have come to believe that the girl in my visions is Vania’s daughter.  I am not certain how to put this, my son but I have to ask.  Is she toying with you?  Will she want you as her zardukar? Milar take others as well as marrying and if she is promising to ask her father for you, be careful.  She might not mean what you think she does.

The war-master of another country... is above us, my son.  I’m sorry to say this, but I was not up to the levels held by your illustrious father.  He would not marry me against his father’s wishes and I have become very broken down since then.  I was young and dreamed he might love me enough to marry me and who knows?  He might have come home from the war with the lemur-men... sorry, the Milari... with enough spine to defy his father.

Even if I dream of your father as if he were alive, I know that it is merely my illness lying to me.  Even if he were alive I would not be fit to be his wife, not like this.  I would need to be stable and unbugged at the very least and I’m sorry to say, I don’t think I am as madly in love with him as I was.  We were good to each other then, but life and war, venoms and the lung and vision sick have purged me of most of those feelings and I wondered if I ever truly loved him in the first place, or only loved my image of the man.

He was a gentle man.  A magnificent man.  Loving and careful.  Like all men he really didn’t know what he wanted in a zardukar.  We would not have made a good match then.  I never thought that I would say this out loud, but his father was right.  Not for reasons of class, but for reasons of incompatibility.

Yasna says I am being very harsh on everyone but he’s a gentle man as well, and doesn’t understand what you and I have been through, my son.  You’ve found a watering place and a loggia space; teachers and friends and air you can breathe without veils and filters.  Learn my son and know that your mother is still dreaming for you.

Oh dear.  I’m getting another start program buzzrun.  I will end here.  Yasna is here with me.  I will clear my head soon.

Love, Dagdohva

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